This cycle I feel really different. Majorly different.
I suppose for so long my coping mechanism has been to just think of all the cons of having children… no lay ins… no real private time… no proper sleep… no selfishness… the list goes on I’m sure for those that have kids.
However, I could never get the feeling of complete joy that must come with having a child out of my head. That sacred moment where your beautiful baby is placed on your chest looking at you for the first time, the first time you hear them cry, all the milestones they reach that make you so proud… I have watched so many of these moments pass my friends and family by with their lovely children. Yet here I am without so much as a fertilised egg in my uterus.
All I have is a very distant dream.
That dream has got even more distant the past couple of cycles. I barely even see it anymore. I try to envisage a baby in my arms, looking down at him/her and feeling warm inside. I just don’t get it anymore. Instead my mind is filled with all the cons, beating away inside my mind and breathing a sigh of relief that it’s just me that I have to deal with.
Have I thought negatively on purpose about a possible child for so long that my brain has actually flipped and made me anti-conception, without me knowing it?
These thoughts really came to light on the weekend just past. On Saturday night I was struck down with a mystery illness which saw me throwing up for about 12 hours straight, drifting in and out of consciousness, all I could think in between vomiting sessions was, “how could I cope with this if I was pregnant?”. The morning sickness. The pain. Having to cope and live normally whilst feeling so dreadful. I had a thought that maybe I could be pregnant and the symptoms had literally just slapped me in the face… but no… my period greeted me in my sleep when I had finally stopped being sick. As soon as I started to feel better, I just couldn’t stop that feeling of relief that my period had come and that I wasn’t pregnant. Why?
Mr Blondie and I have gone through a lot of stress and upheaval this year, 2016 hasn’t been smooth sailing whatsoever. We’ve struggled financially, changed jobs, moved house… and so much more. Parts of me wonder that maybe we haven’t fallen pregnant because we have been in such a stressful environment ( Yes, I know Mr Blondie’s bad sperm is a factor here!). It has really tested our relationship and the positive thing about this is, we are so strong and unbreakable and I didn’t realise that so much before.
I suppose from the outside looking in, is it any wonder that I’m kind of relieved we don’t have a child right now? Taking care of ourselves in these situations have been hard enough without worrying about a dependant too.
2017 looks so much brighter already. A big relocation, our own house and new prospects. I believe something good will happen then and we will be fully ready for it. Because things will start, little by little, falling into place.
I haven’t even told Mr Blondie how I’m feeling. I don’t want him to think I’m a heartless bitch and I don’t want a child at all, because that isn’t the case, at all! I just don’t want him to have pressure thinking about “the fertile window” or having to abstain from sex for X amount of days so he saves enough sperm! It’s just not fun for him I can imagine. I want us to just get through the next 6 months strong and ready for our next adventure, when we relocate.
So, if I don’t get pregnant soon, I’ll be okay. I’ll just be rocking in a corner thinking about all those cons!
Love & baby dust,